Writing · Unit 5: Practice and exam day
W45: Bhaia checks your essay: live band scoring
Target all levels
This lesson launches the "Bhaia checks your essay" series. Viewers send their essays, and you review them on camera, criterion by criterion, with clear fixes. Below is how to run the series, and a full sample review using a typical student essay written for this lesson.
How to run the series
- Ask permission. Only review essays that viewers send for this purpose. Ask them if they're happy to be named or prefer to stay anonymous.
- Use one question per episode, so many viewers can learn from the same task.
- Score by criterion, not just overall.
- Always say the score is an estimate. Only official IELTS examiners give real scores.
- End with three fixes, not thirty.
The question
"Some people think governments should spend more money on building hospitals rather than on preventing disease. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
The student's essay (as submitted)
In this modern era, health is a burning issue. Some people think government should spend money for hospital and some people think for prevention. In this essay I will discuss about both side and give my opinion.
Firstly, hospitals are very important. Because when people become sick they need treatment. In Bangladesh there are not enough hospital, specially in village area. Moreover many people come to Dhaka for treatment and the hospitals are very crowded. So government should build more hospital.
On the other hand, preventing disease is also important. If people are healthy they will not go to hospital. For example, vaccination can prevent many disease. Furthermore, people should do exercise and eat healthy food. Government can make awareness program.
In conclusion, both are important. Government should spend money on hospital and also prevention.
Review by criterion (estimated)
| Criterion | Estimate | Main reason |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 5.5 to 6 | Position is unclear; ideas listed, not developed; under length at about 150 words |
| Coherence and Cohesion | 6 | Clear paragraphs, but mechanical linkers (Firstly, Moreover, On the other hand, Furthermore) |
| Lexical Resource | 5.5 to 6 | Template phrases; discuss about; make awareness program |
| Grammar | 5.5 | Frequent article and plural errors; a sentence starting with Because |
Estimated overall for this essay: around 5.5. The biggest single problem is length. At about 150 words, it's far under the 250 minimum, which limits Task Response.
Line-by-line fixes
| Original | Better |
|---|---|
| In this modern era, health is a burning issue. | (delete: template) |
| government should spend money for hospital | the government should spend money on hospitals |
| I will discuss about both side | (wrong task: it's an opinion question, not a discussion) |
| Because when people become sick they need treatment. | When people become ill, they need treatment. |
| not enough hospital, specially in village area | not enough hospitals, especially in rural areas |
| prevent many disease | prevent many diseases |
| make awareness program | run awareness campaigns |
The three biggest fixes
- Write at least 250 words. Develop each idea with explanation and an example.
- Take a clear position. For example: "I believe prevention should be the priority, although more rural hospitals are also needed."
- Fix articles and plurals with a 3-minute check (W40).
A stronger introduction
"Governments must decide how to divide limited health budgets between treating illness and preventing it. While more hospitals are needed in some areas, I believe that investing in prevention is the wiser long-term choice."
Honest note
When you review viewers' essays, be kind but honest. Point out what they did well first, like clear paragraphs here. Never mock mistakes on camera. Many viewers will feel nervous sharing their writing.
For viewers
Tell them how to send essays (for example, a form or email), the question for the next episode, and the deadline.