W46: Rewriting a band 6 essay into band 7, live

The best way to understand the jump from 6 to 7 is to watch it happen. In this lesson, we take a typical band 6 body paragraph and rewrite it step by step. Each step fixes one criterion. By the end, the same ideas look completely different.

Why this matters

Many students know the theory: develop ideas, use natural cohesion, fix grammar. But they can't see how to apply it to their own writing. A step-by-step rewrite shows exactly what to change.

The question

"Many people believe that social media has had a negative effect on young people. To what extent do you agree?"

The band 6 paragraph (estimated)

Firstly, social media is bad for young people because they waste a lot of time. Many students use Facebook and TikTok for many hours. Moreover, it is bad for their study. Furthermore, they do not sleep properly. For example my cousin use phone until 2am and he is always tired in class. So social media is very harmful.

What's wrong:

• Ideas are listed (time, study, sleep), not developed.
• Mechanical linkers: Firstly, Moreover, Furthermore, So.
• Grammar: my cousin use phone, missing comma after For example.
• Over-general: very harmful.

Step 1: Choose one main idea (Task Response)

The paragraph has three ideas. Pick the strongest one and develop it: sleep and its effect on studies.

Step 2: Write a clear topic sentence

"One of the most serious effects of social media on young people is the damage it can do to their sleep."

Step 3: Explain how and why

"Platforms such as TikTok and Instagram are designed to keep users scrolling, with an endless supply of short videos and constant notifications. As a result, many teenagers stay online late into the night, often without noticing how much time has passed."

Step 4: Show the consequence

"Regular lack of sleep makes it harder to concentrate in class and to remember what has been learned."

Step 5: Add a realistic example

"A student who scrolls until two in the morning before an early lecture is unlikely to perform at their best, however hard-working they may be."

Step 6: Link back to the question

"In this way, social media can quietly undermine young people's education, which supports the view that its overall effect is negative."

The band 7 paragraph (estimated)

One of the most serious effects of social media on young people is the damage it can do to their sleep. Platforms such as TikTok and Instagram are designed to keep users scrolling, with an endless supply of short videos and constant notifications. As a result, many teenagers stay online late into the night, often without noticing how much time has passed. Regular lack of sleep makes it harder to concentrate in class and to remember what has been learned. A student who scrolls until two in the morning before an early lecture is unlikely to perform at their best, however hard-working they may be. In this way, social media can quietly undermine young people's education, which supports the view that its overall effect is negative.

What changed

The personal example about a cousin became a general, realistic example. Both are allowed, but the general one fits academic style better.

Try it yourself

Rewrite this band 6 paragraph into band 7 using the six steps:

"Firstly, living in a city is good because there are many jobs. Moreover, there are good hospitals. Furthermore, there are universities. So city life is better."

Hint: choose one idea (jobs), explain why cities have more jobs, show the consequence for people, add an example, and link back.

Honest note

This rewrite is longer, which is fine: band 7 body paragraphs are often 100 to 130 words. If you develop each idea this well, two body paragraphs are enough.

Your task today

Take one paragraph from your own old essay. Apply the six steps. Compare before and after.